Although we continue to struggle in the Green Card Primary, our candidate continues to persevere. He would like to assure you, our supporters, that he will do anything to win.

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Do what, you ask? Whatever! Spout racial epithets. Make spurious campaign promises. Run gruesome attack ads. Engage in dubious delegate math. Even act like a beer-guzzling, pot-bellied, gun-toting, bible-thumping American. Bring on the hyphens.

Don’t believe us? Watch Amitabh engage in a most American activity. Eating. For Sport. That’s extreme.

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Also. A note for Chris Matthews. We’ve seen your under-handed attacks on Amitabh. And, we say, thank you for the press! We didn’t even know CNN cared.

Sincerely yours,
David Douche
Dishoom Campaign Manager

So when Green Card candidate Amitabh Bachchan, exclaimed “Chokh de phateh!” (pronounced “chuck-they putt-eh”) during a Johnnie Walker benefit gala, questions arose.

“You know, what does that really mean?” asked CNN anchorman Lou Dobbs. “Is he trying to say something in terrorist? Is it unpatriotic? Voodoo? America has a right to know!”

Fox News had their own thoughts.

“I don’t know,” said the highly influential Bill O’Reily. “It just doesn’t sound right – too ethnic. My tongue feels spicy just saying it.”

University of California Berkeley psychology professor Dacher Keltner thinks part of the undue attention can be attributed to what he calls the “Me Too Paradox.”

“Culturally, American people are inclined to believe their opinion is of consequence,” says Keltner. “To have an opinion, they must know something. But what if there is nothing to know? What if it is all just total nonsense? Well then, everyone wants to be just as ignorant as the next person. No more, no less. And that’s great for TV ratings.”

So the evening news stammered on. Here a chukhde there a chukhde, everywhere a chukhde, chukhde…

In this great nation, there are two Americas. One sees only in black and white. The other prefers HD.

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One America is retarded—he thinks life is like a box of chocolates. The other America, well let’s just say he has tasted the rainbow. And he has saved his marshmallows for the end. And, he is excited about the purple horseshoes!

I am that America (and so can you). Unlike Obaba, McPain and Mr. Clinton, I believe our people are more than just black or white. Sometimes, they are both—like Michael Jackson.

Watch the Video >>

I want to set the record straight. No. I have never had sexual relations with that woman, Miss Rekha.

In India the only woman you have sexual relationships is with your wife. Anything else is just sexual; no relationship. It is easier that way.

Let me explain. I was in my 30s, it was the end of the 70s, a time when we smoked Marlboro 100s and hit on item girls in their 20s (okay, we didn’t ask for ID). It was also a time when we should have hung up our white flares; although I kept hold of mine in case they made a comeback!

Anyway, one night I went to her tent to borrow a pen as I remembered that I had forgot to remember to remember to buy some mango chutney for the wife and needed to update my shopping list.

In the yellow glow of the campfire, her curvy body was clearly visible through her thin silk sari, and a jewel sparkled in her naval. We brushed lips. Then, somebody yelled, “CUT!”.

On another occasion she came to visit me, as during the filming of a temple scene I was bitten by a rather vicious and poisonous snake. After three days of excruciating pain, swelling, loss of appetite and dizzy spells, the snake died. She cared dutifully for the poor cobra.

I never saw her again after that. It was now the early 80s, and she was no oil painting (I’m talking used engine), especially compared to the new crop of item girls!

So, America, please understand, I have tons of good sex. But, never any relations!

WHAT: Royal Rumble D.C.
TV: C-SpanDEX
WHEN: Pre-rumble coverage starts at 6:00pm ET

Enough talk, enough debating – this presidential race is about to get Xtreme!

Hillary “Rocky Road” Clinton may have been knocked down, but she’s got no quit in her. Her secret fuel: inspirational boxing movies. Just like ol’ Rocky Balboa, she’s a fighter. Like the time she fought off those town hall tears… or when she stood up to that debate bully Tim Russert for that ladies-first questioning.

“Sure, I might be the underdog,” Rocky Road Clinton said in a ringside interview. “But Rocky and I have a lot in common.”

“Seriously, they do,” Amitabh “The Dishoom-inator” Bachchan agreed. “Just when you think America has finally had enough of that b-grade dishoom, some lafungas bring it back for an encore. Bad form!”

Clinton must prove she’s not running on borrowed time or a borrowed resume. Will she be ready to rumble with the big boys?

In the other corners of the ring, tempers flared and smack talking escalated. John “Insane in the Membrane” McCain promised his country would not be hijacked by The Talk Obama and vowed he would continue to filli-buster Barack’s balls for not wearing that lapel.

Look into your souls, America. Many of you supported Arnold Schwarzenegger, a lonely, rippling outcast from an upstart film town called “Hollywood.” And yet this Hollywood, with its torn-up sidewalks and inferior liquor, is but a pale shadow of the biggest, most fertile wood in the history of cinema. Bollywood is the biggest wood. And that Americans even consider supporting the inferior, the secondary, the not-biggest…it would threaten the very foundations on which this country is built.

For those who still cling to other Woods, the Bachchan campaign has prepared a comprehensive list eliminating all other possibilities:

Carrie Underwood: “11 million albums!” Amitabh says. “I could sell 11 million albums in the time it takes Carrie Underwood to finish one verse of her off-pitch version of ‘Inside Your Heaven.’”

Muir Woods: Mr. Woods supported the resolution to invade Iraq and then later claimed he was against it. Enough said, really. No redwood grove should get away with bending to the winds of popular opinion like a weeping willow.

Tiger Woods: Clearly you haven’t seen his statement on North Korea.

Huntington Woods, Michigan: “I admit, the trolly tours were charming. Reminded me of old-town days in Allahabad,” Amitabh says. “But take a closer look at the City of Homes. No major film town would house this many happy children.”

She used to be a steel worker. Just a few hours ago, she stood in front of me with sorrow in her eyes and begged for change. I said, “Lady, that’s exactly why I am here. Change!”

She extended her Dunkin’ Donuts cup. I tried to refuse, but she kept shaking it. Finally, I reached into the cup and accepted her $2.10 contribution.

Everyday, because of people like Bertha, I am reminded of how important I am.

Back when I was a community organizer, I watched as TATA Steel arrived in Holy Toledo. I was there, on that very day, when thousands of Americans were liberated from their factories by their Indian partners. I played part in that success.

And I learned then that change does not happen beneath the grand columns of Capitol Hill. It happens much further away, in India.

So when they say it can’t be done, I will say “Yes, I can. I can do it, America. Don’t lift a finger. Look at me. I haven’t lifted a finger in years!”

America, I invite you to come join me and to join the Green Card Party! Stand tall against all this boring work. Better yet, sit down. Relax. Have some Scotch.

And watch the video >>

He insisted that Bachchan still offers the most experience and tenacity, despite Tharoor’s suggestions that a new era had dawned on Bollywood with the arrival of Shah Rukh Khan.

“This Colbert loves me,” Bachchan said in a phone call Tuesday evening. “He is always talking about Amitabh to all his friends. He tells them I’ve still got that Dishoom and that Shah Rukh Khan should be my slave.”

“I do not reject or denounce this suggestion,” Bachchan continued. “However, I did not solicit Mr. Colbert’s endorsement. We have no personal relationship. I can’t help it if this guy likes me. But, still, it is gay.”

Colbert’s support dates back to a January 9th segment of “We the Mediator” in which he assessed the feud between Bachchan and Khan.

Watch the video here.