For all you “lunchpail Democrats” and “rank-and-file Republicans” who wield their lunchpails, ranks, and files from deep within the American heartland, you might be wondering: Is America really ready to elect an Indian prime minister? Who does this Amitabh think he is anyway, trying to corrupt our American values and outsource our votes? Where is India?

Look into your souls, America. Many of you supported Arnold Schwarzenegger, a lonely, rippling outcast from an upstart film town called “Hollywood.” And yet this Hollywood, with its torn-up sidewalks and inferior liquor, is but a pale shadow of the biggest, most fertile wood in the history of cinema. Bollywood is the biggest wood. And that Americans even consider supporting the inferior, the secondary, the not-biggest…it would threaten the very foundations on which this country is built.

For those who still cling to other Woods, the Bachchan campaign has prepared a comprehensive list eliminating all other possibilities:

Carrie Underwood: “11 million albums!” Amitabh says. “I could sell 11 million albums in the time it takes Carrie Underwood to finish one verse of her off-pitch version of ‘Inside Your Heaven.’”

Muir Woods: Mr. Woods supported the resolution to invade Iraq and then later claimed he was against it. Enough said, really. No redwood grove should get away with bending to the winds of popular opinion like a weeping willow.

Tiger Woods: Clearly you haven’t seen his statement on North Korea.

Huntington Woods, Michigan: “I admit, the trolly tours were charming. Reminded me of old-town days in Allahabad,” Amitabh says. “But take a closer look at the City of Homes. No major film town would house this many happy children.”

This entry was posted on Friday, March 14th, 2008 at 10:25 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.