I want to set the record straight. No. I have never had sexual relations with that woman, Miss Rekha.

In India the only woman you have sexual relationships is with your wife. Anything else is just sexual; no relationship. It is easier that way.

Let me explain. I was in my 30s, it was the end of the 70s, a time when we smoked Marlboro 100s and hit on item girls in their 20s (okay, we didn’t ask for ID). It was also a time when we should have hung up our white flares; although I kept hold of mine in case they made a comeback!

Anyway, one night I went to her tent to borrow a pen as I remembered that I had forgot to remember to remember to buy some mango chutney for the wife and needed to update my shopping list.

In the yellow glow of the campfire, her curvy body was clearly visible through her thin silk sari, and a jewel sparkled in her naval. We brushed lips. Then, somebody yelled, “CUT!”.

On another occasion she came to visit me, as during the filming of a temple scene I was bitten by a rather vicious and poisonous snake. After three days of excruciating pain, swelling, loss of appetite and dizzy spells, the snake died. She cared dutifully for the poor cobra.

I never saw her again after that. It was now the early 80s, and she was no oil painting (I’m talking used engine), especially compared to the new crop of item girls!

So, America, please understand, I have tons of good sex. But, never any relations!

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