In network television’s quest for the perfect president, no rock shall go unturned. No dirty laundry spared, no neighborhood knitting circle dismissed—certainly no gaseous emission uninspected. In the name of investigative journalism, it is no longer safe to assume he who smelt it dealt it. We must interview the ass, lest we make one out of ourselves.

So when Green Card candidate Amitabh Bachchan, exclaimed “Chokh de phateh!” (pronounced “chuck-they putt-eh”) during a Johnnie Walker benefit gala, questions arose.

“You know, what does that really mean?” asked CNN anchorman Lou Dobbs. “Is he trying to say something in terrorist? Is it unpatriotic? Voodoo? America has a right to know!”

Fox News had their own thoughts.

“I don’t know,” said the highly influential Bill O’Reily. “It just doesn’t sound right – too ethnic. My tongue feels spicy just saying it.”

University of California Berkeley psychology professor Dacher Keltner thinks part of the undue attention can be attributed to what he calls the “Me Too Paradox.”

“Culturally, American people are inclined to believe their opinion is of consequence,” says Keltner. “To have an opinion, they must know something. But what if there is nothing to know? What if it is all just total nonsense? Well then, everyone wants to be just as ignorant as the next person. No more, no less. And that’s great for TV ratings.”

So the evening news stammered on. Here a chukhde there a chukhde, everywhere a chukhde, chukhde…

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