AMITABHISSUESAmericans are tired of the same old divisive politics, which is why Amitabh Bachchan has promised a new kind of divisive politics.
Amitabh has reached out to Democrats and Republicans, grabbed them by the neck, and shook them until they cried out for post-partisan mercy. He has built coalitions of blue-collar workers, immigrants, college students, and terrorists. And throughout his tenure, he has made life easier for all the women of this great country.
Amitabh has reached out to Democrats and Republicans, grabbed them by the neck, and shook them until they cried out for post-partisan mercy. He has built coalitions of blue-collar workers, immigrants, college students, and terrorists. And throughout his tenure, he has made life easier for all the women of this great country.
Prime Ministers
Amitabh feels strongly that US unemployment can be stifled by a strong job creation program. This is a comprehensive program, including new government positions and important responsibilities.
“I want to say to America: Look, America, I am not here to take a job from you. I am here to bring you a job from India. That job is Prime Minister. And yes, you should find an Indian to do it.”
Immigration
As the presumptive nominee for the Green Card Party, Amitabh Bachchan has shown inspirational leadership and sound judgment on the subject of immigration.
“Immigration? I am the Green Card Nominee, lafunga. I know me some immigration!"
Just check the party platform:
- Citizenship by invitation only. And by invitation, we mean bribe
- Dress code: No Mexicans. Strictly enforced.
- Ladies in free before age 30.
- All your IT jobs are belong to us.
Health Care
Amitabh believes that a single-payer health care system would lead to gross inefficiencies and wasteful spending. Instead of universal health care, he supports funding for preventative care and public health initiatives that strengthen the country as a whole.
“My grandfather taught me there are few health problems that cannot be remedied with some rest and a shot of whiskey. But the broken heart, that is an exception. For it you need a full bottle of whiskey and an item girl or two. And under my plan, these necessities will also be covered.”
Alternative Energy
Amitabh is a big proponent of alternative fuel research. In fact, as a man of many talents, he has done some research on the issue.
“My cousin Bunti thought it would a good idea to put whisky in my gas tank. Arrey baba, my car was so messed up, pissing on the road and telling all the other cars in the garage how much he loves them. Sure, Amitabh can run on Black Label. But for my Tata Sumo there must be an alternative.”
Mideast Peace
Amitabh Bachchan believes that we must directly address the issue of religion in solving the Mideast crisis. His plan calls for greater dialog and an open attitude from all players involved in the peace process.
“Arrey, of course there will always be fighting with Muslims, Jews, and Jesus-people. If you only have 1 or 2 Gods, what do you think will happen? You will fight over them! The answer is more Gods. When there are more than enough Gods to go around, there will be no more fighting. We will borrow about 40 or 50 from the Hindus, and you will see the result. The Hindus? They won’t even notice they were gone.”
Torture & Waterboarding
Amitabh believes that the government should have strong methods available to its defense in the Global War on Terror. As a man with years of fighting experience, he understands the mind of evil.
“These guys are sissies! I tried waterboarding. I took the family, and we got a boat at Lake Havasu. Tough on the knees, but otherwise, great fun! Only part that is torture is drinking fucking Coronas. Tastes like cow piss! That reminds me. Somebody get me a Scotch. Blue Label.”
Jackie Chan
Amitabh believes that American children should only be exposed to violence in television and movies when absolutely necessary.
“There are significant differences between Jackie’s approach and mine. That’s why I’m calling on him to meet me for a debate about the issues. And by debate, I mean ass-whooping.”
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
In his first 30 days in office, Amitabh plans to eradicate the disease of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in America.
“I asked my campaign guy. Wouldn’t it be great to cure an American disease? He said yes! So, in my first 30 days as Prime Minister of America, there will be a rule. No one is to type on a computer or text on a phone, punishable by death. Everyone’s wrists will be relaxed. Disease is done. Amitabh is hero! And lots of jobs created. For India.”
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